Relationships: Why Do Some People Have The Need To Be Needed’?

While there are people who are not interested in trying to rescue or save other people, there are others who are. As a result of this, some people will be repelled by these kinds of people and some will be drawn to them like bees to a honey pot.

And no matter what kind of people someone is drawn to, this can be what is normal. What this means is that they won’t need to think about whether or not they should go towards them or move away from them; this is something that will just happen.

Less Drama

What is clear is that when someone is not drawn to people who come across as though they need to be rescued, their life is likely to be a lot less complicated. They will be able to pay attention to their own needs and to be there for others, as opposed to being consumed by other people’s needs.

This will make it easier for them to function at their best and to have enough energy to truly be there for others. Therefore, when they do extend themselves to others, they won’t try to do things for them that they should be doing for themselves.

Self-Worth

The reason that they will be able to do this is because they value themselves and feel safe enough to behave in this manner. They can then put their needs first, without feeling as though they are doing anything wrong.

And as their needs are important, it would show that something isn’t right if they felt guilty and ashamed for paying attention to them. What this is also likely to show is that they have good boundaries.

A Clear Line

This will enable them to see where they begin and end and where other people begin and end, thereby allowing them to realise that they are not responsible for other people. If they were to do things for them that they should do for themselves, they would probably soon realise that they have crossed their boundaries.

If this was to happen, they might end up feeling more like someone’s parent than their friend or partner, for instance. The relationship would end up being out of balance and it would start to diminish them.

A Choice

This is not to say that they will give something and shortly after they will get something back; what it comes down to is that their relationships won’t be one-sided. The reason someone is in their life will be due to the fact that they want them to be.

How this person experiences life is likely to be radically different to how someone experiences life when they have the need to save or to rescue others. For one thing, they are likely to spend a lot of time focusing on other people’s needs.

Out of Touch

Naturally, this is going to cause them to neglect their own needs, and they could even act as though they don’t have needs. It is then not that they are out of touch with their own needs; it is that they just don’t have any.

Their needs will have been replaced by other people’s needs; it will be as if they are an extension of others. They are then not responsible for their own needs; they are responsible for others people’s needs.

One Focus

So, instead of being aware of what is going on within them and being aware of what is going on externally, they will generally be focused on what is going on externally. Their priority will be to do what they can to please others.

Behaving in this way will allow them to receive approval and this will have a positive effect on their ego. The down side is that while their ego will be happy with what is going on, their true-self will end up being completely overlooked.

The Benefit

But, although they will be ignoring their own needs and suffering in the process, their self-worth will be defined by what they do for others. What this means is that they will only feel good about themselves if they are trying to fix other people.

The people in their life will make them feel needed and this is going to be a need that is very strong. If they didn’t have people like this in their life, they would end up feeling worthless and rejected and abandoned.

A Mask

Someone like this can come across as strong and capable; making it hard to comprehend how they could end up feeling like this if they had no one to save. However, this will just be a false-self that they created to keep their pain at bay and to receive approval.

Through having developed this false-self – a false-self that would have caused them to disconnect from their true needs and feelings – it will also mean that it is not possible for them to experience intimacy. They won’t be emotionally available and the people they are drawn to are likely to be in a similar position.

A Closer Look

When someone behaves in this way, it can show that they had to fulfil their caregiver needs when they were growing up. This would have caused them to lose touch with their true-self and to believe that their value was based on what they did.

They would have gone from a human being to a human doing, and this would have set them to believe that they were inherently flawed. If they didn’t do what their caregivers wanted, they would have been rejected and abandoned.

Awareness

This would have stopped them from able to develop a strong sense of self and to know where they begin and end and where other people begin and end. Focusing on other people’s needs will be a way for them to regulate their own emotions, with this being an ability that they wouldn’t have developed due to being neglected.

The years will have passed since this took place but it will still be having a big effect on their life. Reaching out for external support can be a way for them to move forward, and this can be provided by a therapist or a healer.

Teacher, Prolific writer, author, and coach, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand eight hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behaviour, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

 

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